Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize