like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
