Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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