I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
