I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
