when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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