Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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