hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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