he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
