dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
