I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
