I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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