if i can run in heels then i can drive
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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