Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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