i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize