my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
