Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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