my phone needs a breathalizer
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
