if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
