Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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