Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
