lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize