No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
