Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point đź’ś
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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