my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
