it's like iHOP with fire
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
