I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
