I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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