My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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