I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
