its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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