Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
