If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do vagina's smell?
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
