Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
