Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
