Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
