Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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