just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
