i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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