took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
