Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
