I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
