I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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