I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
