My friends, they love my intelligence
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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