She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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