My hand turned me down
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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