Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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