covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
