I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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