i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
