I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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