Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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