So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
