Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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