The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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