Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize