Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize