i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I just want to make out with him forever
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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