If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
