if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
