I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
